Every year on New Years Eve, people say the same thing. "New year. New me". I think it's a wonderful thing to strive towards, looking at your flaws and making a change. Keeping to it is a different matter entirely. So since everyone was in that mood and I made my resolutions months ago I thought I would finally get back into blogging.
What exactly is this blog about? it has a cheesy title and a meaningful quote in the description... you're probably confused and slowly moving your cursor to close this tab (don't do that, please)
This blog will be about me, my year and whats happening next. It's been an eventful and particularly rubbish year and I've only just decided to do something about it. For those who know me, you may be aware that in September I will be climbing Kilimanjaro. A 6,000(ish) meter mountain in Africa. For those who don't know me... well you've just learnt something new about me. we're basically best friends.
As well as that I'm planning a trip to Italy, just to escape for a few days and looking into both, bungee jumping and skydiving.
Why James? why are you doing these ludicrous things?
Depression is the sad answer to these questions. What I wanted to do is tell you my story and aim to help others if I can. Going through any type of depression changes your view on life and I decided I wanted to help others hence the charity work and this attempt at blogging. Will it work? who knows.
everything you will read is unfortunately true... but I'm at the stage where I am comfortable to share it and I don't want it to be a burden, I'm sharing this with you because it's important to me and i'm aiming to achieve something with this experience. I would like to make it perfectly clear... I am not asking for sympathy... I do not care whether your heart bleeds for me or whether you think I'm ridiculous.
Depression can be caused by anything, it depends on the person. It's like a science experiment. It's either a disappointing mentos and coke reaction or a nuclear bomb inside your brain which causes you to struggle, a thousand weights are thrown onto your shoulders simultaneously and suddenly you're competing in the worlds strongest man 2017. I won't get into the details but it was a few things, college, relationships, family, and just my general self. So what does depression do? people know the extremes but you never really understand it until you go through it. But here's my story.
I knew I had depression, it doesn't take a doctor to diagnose it... I went to a doctor anyway because I wanted a second opinion. But then I decided that I didn't need to do anything, I treated it like a cold... all you needed was some sleep and a few tubs of cookie dough Ben and Jerry's ice cream.
Sleep was the last thing I got. I stopped sleeping mostly- 4:00 was the earliest I slept. I then stopped eating. The amount of takeaways I said no to was unbelievable... who says no to KFC? (vegetarians)
This then affected my health and college. I lost quite a lot of weight- I believe I dropped to below 7 stone at one point. I got lazy and ill at college. I would leave lessons to throw up on occasion. I pretty much failed my second year of college, I had 5 exams and I think I passed one of them... (Mum if you're reading this... sorry) and as a result, I was rejected from Uni (don't worry they eventually accepted me)
I gave up on everything. I felt so down and unhappy and everything seemed pointless, so I decided to drink. I drank to forget (which didn't work) and I drank so I could sleep, which worked. One time I drunkingly punched a lamppost and shattered my knuckle because I was angry... I rarely get that angry. However I was extremely proud that I managed to wrap it in a bandage whilst intoxicated- that takes skill. Now we get to the bit that people associate with depression; self harm. Yes I did it, quite a lot and now I have to live with that reminder. Despite it being a horrible thing to do, it helped but I knew I couldn't continue so I made a substitute. I got a tattoo, and then another one, I have 3 more planned. Getting a tattoo slapped me back into reality, I was human and I did feel pain so to me it was a coping mechanism that worked a lot. Obviously I'm going to say avoid self harm at all costs, its a nasty thing to put yourself through when there are other solutions out there for you.
Before the tattoo, I was a very miserable and anti social person, I ceased contact with a lot of people and I lost a lot of friends, I was no longer an approachable person. very few people asked how I was mainly because I believe people were afraid, I had a face like thunder and I was ready to snap at any moment... I don't think many people wanted to talk to that. My media teacher called me out of lesson once to talk about the cuts on my arm and my ill looking figure, I didn't know what to say because I didn't think anybody had noticed. I thought I had become invisible so that was a big wake up call, it upset certain people that I punished myself and I was too blind to notice. I hurt a lot of people and if they are reading and I hope they are, I'd like to say sorry to them. I'm not brave enough to say it to them personally but I hope they know who they are.
The pinnacle moment in this experience was when I thought peoples lives would be better if I wasn't there. That was a difficult thing to comprehend and never in my life did I imagine I would be sat talking to a counselor who would then ask me "have you had an suicidal thoughts?".
It shocks and upsets me that it crossed my mind but at the time that's how I felt. I felt useless and constantly sad, I couldn't even properly enjoy a family day out. Everyone's enjoying themselves and I'm smiling through my teeth waiting for someone to get me another drink. You feel trapped, alone, unhappy and an easy way out seems like a great option (it's really not). Would I have done it, I doubt it. I knew it was a storm I was going to have to sit through patiently
I let multiple things destroy me as a person, it changed me and I'm in the process of re-inventing myself I suppose. This is where the charity work comes in.
The chance to climb a mountain of this size would benefit me, I needed something that would make me enjoy life again and change my perspective so I signed up without thinking but since then I've raised money that will help so many people and that makes me feel good.
This blog post is just an incite to me, why I'm doing what I'm doing and why I did what I did. I also wanted it to act as a message of awareness. I'm fully aware that this may surprise people but this happened and now I want to use that experience and turn it into a positive.
A lot of people have depression and it's horrible. If you ever feel down, anxious or alone, there are people ans things that can help. I'd recommend a counselor or talking to a parent which by the way is an incredibly difficult thing to do but they are your parents, they will help in any way they can. Find something to do that makes you happy, in a state like that it can difficult but its achievable. I immersed myself in Game of Thrones, reading, the gym and even meditation and it slowly worked. You are not alone, it may feel like it at the time but its not true. Time helps as well- its very cliche but it does, its slow but effective.
Do what makes you happy and aspire to something. As individuals we can all achieve something good so don't let depression hold you back no matter how hard its fights. Focus on the future not the past, the hardest thing was that I had to let go of things, things I desperately tried to hold onto and I'm still not entirely there, I have bad days, I miss people, regret things and have even been tempted to return to previous coping devises. It's not something that you can sweep under the carpet and forget about, it will follow like a shadow for some time.
If your struggling, talk to someone... make that your new year resolution.
I been non-stop typing for 4 hours now... I could have written more but this isn't my university dissertation and I can appreciate that this is not a fun topic, I promise this blog won't be all doom and gloom. I was so nervous to share this just in case it got a different reaction but hopefully, this will be the start of an interesting and insightful blog.
Thank you so much for reading
check out my fundraising page here
https://portsmouth.everydayhero.com/uk/james-lister-s-kilimanjaro-climb-2016
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