One door closes, another one opens

So I haven't blogged in a while...

There are reasons for this and there are reasons as to why this may be my last post.

I've never been very good at carrying something on. I've tried a wide variety of hobbies but I always seem to lose interest. I guess this is what happened... Blogging no longer interests me. It is more than that, I didn't get bored and just abandon it... in fact I had a bunch of drafts ready. I had a lot on my plate. I was doing Uni work, trying my hardest not to fail this and it seems to be working. I don't understand how they score Uni work but whatever they are reading... they seem to think its alright.

Currently I seem to be averaging around 60-70 with a few 75s, That's pretty good considering less than a year ago I managed to score U's and E's at college.

What else have I been doing... 

well fundraising has surprisingly taken up a lot of time. A lot of effort went into making the Deadpool suit I use for my street collections, it seems to work really well and there's something about wearing the costume that is comforting... the thought of NOT being 'James' for a while; It's interesting.

I then held another Pub quiz which was great, 42 people turned up... wow! we raised a lot of money and it appeared as though everyone enjoyed themselves which is EVEN better.

There was also London Loot... 24 hours of fundraising in 2 days and only 6 hours sleep... it was hard work but we all raised a lot of money. Together we managed to raise just under £50,000. which is an amazing amount. I'm hoping to update my fundraising amount once I know how much I raised in London. I still have a long way to go but I'm pretty chuffed. I could have spent it all you know? but I didn't. 

I've been thinking about what's next as well. I definitely want to do more charity work. My goal is to do something for these charities:

Cancer Research

M/S

Depression

Maybe not something as big as Kilimanjaro but something challenging. 

I've been thinking a lot about the climb... I'm nervous, scared and excited. I don't know how my body is going to react to the conditions, I'm unsure whether I'm mentally ready but the experience will be amazing! I honestly can't wait for the views and just the journey to Africa... if you asked me a year ago, Africa definitely wouldn't have been in my list of things I wanted to do.

I've also been introduced into Anime... (it was bound to happen one day) I spent 3 days watching and loving Attack on Titan. A very good friend of mine provided a list of anime's to watch so I'll be giving them a go. It was also the release of Batman v Superman so I needed to recuperate after seeing it- it was a special day... I even wrote it on my calendar. I'm also taking film making very seriously... I hope to write a few scripts using the time I have and plan a documentary ready for Africa.

So blogging hasn't been on my mind. When I came to finally blog, I froze. I didn't know what I wanted to say. The I figured it out... I've ran out of things to say. Think of this blog as... Pandora's box. A way for me to throw everything negative away. I use it as a boost sometimes but ultimately I've ran out of material. I threw everything into my previous posts and some of them, I've realized... are hard to read. I'm not saying my negativity has gone completely. I have great days... good days and then days that make me question why. It happens. But this blog has really helped in a way I did not expect. When I felt weak I would just vent... extreme venting! can you blame me? I felt like shit and wanted to put the shit to good use.

I don't think it worked personally but... 'A' for effort right?
There isn't much more I can say really. Originally it was a coping method but now I have other methods and I am feeling more positive. I feel like there is nothing left to blog about, I covered everything I wanted to. It's nice to know that some people read it, I don't really care what people thought of it but it is nice to know that it has been acknowledged.
I've made a lot of mistakes but I don't regret them, there are obviously things I do regret but I have to deal with them, they're not for sharing. I wish I could continue this blog but honestly leaving it might be the best thing (plus I'm such a slow typer... this has taken weeks to do)

In an essence... this blog acted as awareness. I don't want to label it as a mental disorder... but things like depression or anxiety can endanger you... that's no exaggeration, it's not a joke. People get hurt. People die, it may sound ridiculous but it happens. I'm of course jumping to the extremes but it isn't a rare occurrence and I would love people to be more aware of it and I wanted people to be aware of me. I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert on this stuff, I just used my experiences to make sense of my decisions. Inside everything I did there is a reason. Some of it was attention, most of it was pure sadness and me just giving up. The important thing is that I don't blame anyone... I used to blame people but... it wasn't there fault, because of that they are no longer in my life... am I happy about it. No. It hurts. first their there, now their not and it stays with you, this constant reminder that I haven't let go of yet...

It's been a blast but this is it.
you never know I might be back in a few months with something else to moan about. 

University

University is such a big step up from College. College kinda felt like School where you are force fed information and instructed on how to use it. I had nothing to worry about... if I was doing an essay I know that if I handed it to my teacher they would correct it and tell me what needed doing.
University is a different experience entirely, you get to write based on your interests. I've written an essay on Star Wars, Arrow and Game of Thrones... it's heaven. You are also free to write the way you want as long as it meets the correct marking criteria, whats the point if we all write the same way?

So far I've loved it, I feel like an adult now... I'm paying rent, taking care of money, thinking about the future, even buying my own lunch. The work has been great, especially in the practical unit where we get to make a short film. The lecturers are fun and down to earth... one even apologized for being a c*** (his words, not mine). I even managed to make friends, I know! you're just as surprised as I am. Uni gave me something to do, something to think about and something to focus on.

But how on earth did I get there?
I've mentioned before that I in fact, failed College. I got bad results (apart from in Media) and did not get the points required to join Portsmouth University... what a kick in the balls, that one hurt. I came home after my results and made some of them up... Sorry. But I was certain that I had enough points, I was so sure that I had scraped the boundary... but no. I punched my computer chair and concluded that it was over, there was nothing else to be done apart from move away to Alaska and live my life as an Eskimo. My good friend talked me through the 'Clearing' process where there is a second opportunity to get into Uni and thanks to him... I got it.
Then came another dilemma which almost cost me my space. For some reason the information they had given me to sign up with the Uni did not work (fan...tastic) they then set me a time to complete my registration before it was given to someone else. It wasn't a week or a day, it was a few hours, people were fighting to get into Portsmouth University. I eventually got it sorted and it turned out that because my application was rejected so were all my details... I did not exist on their database.

Everyone congratulated me like I had won the lottery, I was just given a second chance and it took me a while to accept that. For a long time and even now I sometimes believe that I shouldn't be at Uni, not because I don't want to be but because I didn't earn it. Not to be big headed but... I should have been accepted into Uni without an issue, the required points were within my reach, I was a decent student. My first year was great, I had some promising results and produced work I was happy with. The first year of College saved my ass, they saw my results from the first year which I had to send in and it became obvious that something went wrong. I didn't lose the ability to write an essay or answer questions about networks, I simply decided not to. I actually got drunk the night of my ICT exam... seemed like a good idea at the time.
My body goes through a set of motions before an exam, I get nervous, I bite my nails and I chew gum... they are good signs I think, because it shows I care. I didn't experience that at all during my second year exams, it wasn't me being over-confident, I simply didn't care. I've made exam hiccups before... in my French exam for example... "things to take to the beach" I thought Douche was toothbrush, people apparently take toothbrushes to the beach, but at least I gave it a go. I must have been accidentally racist twice towards Barack Obama in my media exam but hey, I got the marks!

The way I saw it was that
Fail= No Uni
End of story, No buts! No ifs! No Uni for you!
I felt as though I didn't deserve the opportunity to secure my space because I didn't even try, some poor soul probably worked their ass off and didn't get the result they wanted, they should have had that place instead of me who thought skipping a 20 mark question would be okay (I drew a superman logo on the desk instead, then had a panic attack in the toilet).
I'm now doing literally everything I can to prove myself wrong, I do deserve this. With the year almost over I've done some pretty decent work, some pieces even being marked as a First which surprised me a lot, I'm apparently good at stuff.

I also know what I want to do now, but I'm going to leave that for another post.

Reflection

I saw something on the internet that read

"The only time you should ever look back, is to see how far you've come"

I like that quote a lot... and I hope to encourage people to look back... with caution.

Looking back at the positives and the negatives is a nice way to reflect on changes, but there is a danger of drifting into a limbo type state where you revolve around these ideas, and sometimes they become justifications for our actions.

Obviously this happened to me (surprise, surprise). There is one thing I will never do on this blog, I will never ever describe in detail the causes. For many reasons, mainly because it's unfair, I wanted to avoid blaming specific events and people...it's simply not their fault. I chose to do the things I did, no one forced me to, but... I did occasionally point my finger and that got me nowhere- as expected. 

I was forever looking back, I ignored the Present and the Future and lived in the Past. It was horrible. It made me not look forward to things, Christmas, Halloween, days out, waking up and specifically the end of this month. 

Last year I was in LA... amazing right? eh... I struggle to see it as a positive... because I spent so much time condemning it. I know it was a great experience but I can't look at it like that yet, I guess it's selfish of me, go and do something that I probably won't do again and then complain about it (I regrettably got rid of most of the things I got from LA). I took the positives... corrupted and destroyed them physically and mentally, it made me a bitter person. I could take any sweet moment and just destroy it, it was a talent. 

This probably isn't what you want to hear considering at the start I told you looking back can be a good thing- Nailed it!

Just bare with me.
There are specific things I look back on, college, LA, relationships and the way I was. It has helped form the person I am now. Looking back helped me sign up to Kilimanjaro, get into Uni, muster the courage to talk to someone I had silenced, and improve the way I see the world... it also eventually caused me to try and get a fashion sense. It was a time of reinvention, I looked back and saw how I was and am in the process of changing... evolving. It's a good thing because you're taking potentially negative forces and turning them into something useful.

I loved the way I was a year ago, I miss that version of "James", I miss the people he was surrounded by and the confidence he possessed, he was a very happy person. Then I changed and not for the better. I remind myself of the way I was regularly so I can compare and contrast... determine whether I'm on the right lines and at the moment I'm walking on a tight rope... slowly advancing forward but wobbling along they way (what to take from this... life is a giant tight rope). People change just like the seasons, slowly, and I think it's important to reflect on how you WERE and how you ARE now. You might not like what you find but maybe that's a good thing. I certainly didn't like it but I am who I am now because of it and because I chose to use it not bury it.
James Mark III is not perfect but he's stable...ish, Mark II broke down completely and Mark I... he is a relic of inspiration, gone but not forgotten... the goal is to make Mark IV (that's 4... right?) similar yet new. I'm a long way off, I can't say right now that I'm truly happy but I know I'm going to get there in the end.

It can be painful, there are things I wish I could forget... just remove it and put it in the bin; job done. Apparently the brain doesn't work like that, instead it seems like it has a vendetta and will surprise me with things I don't particularly want to think about. Despite the negatives, there are days where I am genuinely proud that I sat myself down and just thought about everything then there are days where I wished it would leave me alone, stop following me. There's a big difference between simply remembering and reflecting. I think the best way to define reflection in this case is taking a memory and using it, remembering is just sitting there indulging in the bad thoughts and doing nothing about it. Pain is part of a journey, its inevitable, crap, horrible but useful.

I've made it sound like out of all this... I've suddenly become a better person and that all this is easy. I can be a very cynical and nasty person when it suits me... doing charity work and writing a blog does not make me a saint nor does it erase the stuff I've done, that's staying with me. It's certainly not easy but I am beginning to like the person I am now, he doesn't seem too bad... still a nerd but I don't think that was going to change- I hope it never does.

Maybe change is good and looking back should be done when you've accomplished something great. It might be that I'm doing it all wrong but I know that thinking about people, things and events has caused me a lot of pain but has also given me the motivation to do something about it... it just took me 7 months to realize that. Don't wait. If something's pulling you down, use it. Make a suit of armor with it and fight back. We're human, there's nothing wrong with having bad days, bad weeks or even bad months... I still have them (too many if you ask me) but it's not all doom and gloom, it may feel like it but good things can and do happen and I hope everyone get's their fair share.

The reason I wrote this post is because I realized that I spend a lot of time... thinking, I judge my decisions and remember the things that I had tried to buried, sometimes it has a positive effect then other times it causes tears. I don't know why I do it... maybe its mental torture but I'd like to think it has made me a stronger person, not better... clearer and a tad tougher. 

Insomnia: memoirs of a night-thinker

I don't think I've ever had the luxury of a decent sleeping pattern. I'm picky on where I sleep, how I sleep and the conditions around me. Now I'm sure my fellow University students will agree... sometimes sleep can be hard when you have essay upon essay and deadlines closing in, and everyone has a bad night every now and then, anyone who doesn't... well... screw you!

Sleeping has occasionally been a problem for me.

I remember in school (year 6, maybe) I had some difficulties sleeping, the doctors said my brain was too active, I would later learn that this was an understatement. The whole situation confused me and it wasn't an easy fix... just an incredibly long waiting game. I was extremely young so I didn't really know what to do with myself and not sleeping made me bored, so I would get me and my brothers uniform ready for school and walk around before taking a pillow and falling asleep in the hallway upstairs... surprisingly comfortable. But I knew it was a phase that everyone would go through at some point. I should note... back then I only had 4 channels on my box TV and the Hoobs wasn't on until 5, I had nothing to do.

I know a lot of people who stay up late, I don't mind staying up late because it means I can do more. But there are days where I miss going to sleep at 10:00 then waking up at 7:30... 9 and a half hours sleep! that's like winning the lottery! but now I probably doze off at around 2:00. 

The real problem occurred during my depressive state. I think I would have called it a sleeping disorder, maybe.

I stopped sleeping all together, pretty much. At first it wasn't that I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to sleep. I was having nightmares which is actually a horrible experience, you wake up sweating and sometimes even in tears. 

Because I didn't want them anymore I decided the best way was to not sleep (Genius idea!). These weren't typical nightmares like ghosts or zombies, they were actually memories that became distorted- in fact I remember writing some down. 

I kept this going for quite a while, it was normal to me, going to bed at 5:00 was fine. I then realized that I was human... a lack of sleep took its toll on me, it affected my eating pattern to the point where I didn't actually have one and anything that I did eat would eventually come back up. This affected my motivation at college which was low already but this just plummeted it even lower. The weekends would go extremely quickly because I wouldn't get out of bed until 1-2 o'clock... why? I believed there was nothing out there so I stayed in my bed. I quickly learnt that I did in fact need to sleep but... I now couldn't because I was so use to not sleeping.

The other big problem was that I'm a slight hypochondriac which means I worry too much. My brain is very active and sometimes I can't seem to control the thought process.

Brain: what if someone breaks in whilst everyone's asleep and takes all the money...

Me: Good point, I better stay up.

Sometimes my brain will jump to conclusions about life and it was very good at doing this as soon as I got into bed. 

I tried many things to control this situation. I'm going to share them with you and maybe recommend some, but sleeping disorders are extremely difficult to control I think, it becomes a habit, a way of life. For me it was trial and error.

1) Warm milk- I don't even understand this one but it didn't work for me... I think it's a lie 

2) Reading- I love reading and it definitely made me more tired, the difficulty is finding a decent book. Reading a book is something that a lot of people don't do anymore but I'd encourage reading (NERD!!!)

3) Drink alcohol- works extremely well but not advised, unless you get a thrill from waking up with headaches.

4) Watch TV- I don't care what the doctors say... an episode of Family Guy or American Dad would help settle me. Personally I would recommend it as long as the screen isn't centimeters away from your face 

5) Sleeping tablets- not the herbal remedies, the proper stuff. I wouldn't recommend mainly because they didn't do anything and I didn't want to rely on a tablet (which is also why I stopped anti-depressants) 

6) Herbal tablets- what a load of crap, if they work for you... then great! but a smack to the head would do a better job 

7) Crying- a good cry can go along way, even to the point where you fall asleep. Again not advised... you wake up in an extremely bad mood. Whats worse is that people enjoy telling you that you're in a bad mood. It did help and it let me relieve a lot of built up feelings but going to sleep in a tranquil state is so satisfying (I miss it a lot) 

8) Meditation- it's an interesting concept but I couldn't help but think about the things that made me feel this way... which then made me sad... which then made me cry... so it helped me sleep... I'd stick to meditating during the day.

9) Sleep somewhere else- I didn't sleep in my bed for 3 months (no joke) I would alternate between downstairs on the sofa and the end of my bed, I would use a dressing gown as a cover. This is going to sound crazy and stupid but... I could not find the mental courage to get into bed.

10) Don't sleep- If you can't sleep... embrace it! you'll have so much more time to worry about everything whilst watching a tv program with subtitles because you don't want to wake anyone up.

11) Do a puzzle- I did some of my Game of Thrones puzzle at 4:00... it really highlighted how crap I am at completing puzzles because I probably did about 3 pieces in an hour (in my defense, I was not wearing my glasses) 

Sleeping habits or problems (deprivation... is that the word?) can be caused by so many things: depression, anxiety, over-active brain, stress and even eating habits (science said so).
It is really about finding something that you're comfortable with, if you're not comfortable with taking tablets... don't. The key is to finding a way to keep yourself relaxed, preferably without the influence of a bright screen. Having said that... here's what I do
I read a few chapters of my book (currently reading about Hitler waking up in 2011... yep)
I then put an earphone in and listen to a YouTuber like Pewdiepie, Jacksepticeye, Matthias & Amanda and sometimes Matthew Santoro or Good Mythical Morning. It relaxes me a lot and I can't listen to music because I listen to loud/explosive soundtracks (Man of Steel) or sad ones (Inception). I find listening to a Vlog is very soothing.

The toughest bit about it all was just staying up, finding something to preoccupy yourself with. I had gained a few extra hours that I could use productively... instead I sat and thought, self harmed, played Clash of Clan, did some more thinking and then rounded it off with a good old fashioned sulk. I think normal people would try and sleep but I didn't want to so I would force myself to stay up. The idea of reliving or having a lack of control over what was dreamt frightened me. Waking up in the middle of the night scared or upset isn't the nicest experience in the world, its disorientating and infuriating.
But sleep is a necessity (who knew) and I think it's something that stays with a lot of people during their life-time, an on-and-off phase.
I can survive with the amount of sleep that I get, i'm just happy that I actually want to sleep and that I find some comfort in it now but it can still be a problem for me.

I would avoid long naps during the day... as great as they are, they can ruin your sleeping pattern!
Thanks for reading :)

Suicidal Tendencies

When I was young I had a very strange and prejudice view on suicide. We all know about suicide bombers and frankly they confuse the hell out of me, I just don't understand them... I'd talk to one but...

Anyway, I'm on about suicide caused by severe depression or other issues (I was going to say mental disorders but that doesn't sound right at all). When you're in school there can be rumors that float around about someone self harming, and it always baffled me. I enjoyed life and stayed positive through any difficult times and I was confused by the fact that I was being told that "so-and-so" was self harming or on the news someone had attempted (and sometimes succeeded) in taking their own life. I thought life was precious and it should be enjoyed and endured and I thought it was easy... how naive of me.

It's a very unfair view because I didn't understand the inns and outs of their situation, what drove them to make such decisions? and it's not exactly something you can just ask someone, it's an incredibly personal and sensitive topic that's horribly unique. 

When I was young, very few things bothered me. I was alright at school... I was no Einstein but I knew how to spell my name and I could add up numbers and understand algebra (to an extent). I had friends, bullying didn't bother me much because I was extremely condescending however it did get me into a few scraps and unfortunately... I'm no Liam Neeson. I'd like to hope school was good for everyone but I understand that the outside realm can force itself in. I was easily upset when I knew my mums condition worsened, it struck a nerve. I'm not as tough as nails... I'm more like play dough (god, I miss play dough) so sometimes that made school hard. 

So with all this, I found it hard to comprehend why people drank, self harmed or just pulled the plug completely. I was young, the world was new and so complex. What drove me was that I had this thought that if I was good and nice... life would be a breeze. Apparently I didn't get the memo that said "life is shit sometimes, get use to it bitch" or the one that said "bowl-cuts weren't in fashion anymore".

I'm a slow learner.

I never understood the science behind feelings. Depression is just a chemical reaction in the brain that can effect anyone and can be caused by almost anything. I suppose the "suicidal tendencies" come from the state of mind of the subject themselves. 

I found that depression worsens the longer you leave it, the longer you just sit by and watch it corrupt you... the quicker it will consume you. I sat in my room and slowly the world became a hateful place, there were so many things to dislike... happiness was one of them, Jesus! I loathed anyone that walked past with a smile, it made me angry that I struggled to enjoy anything. It was me against the world and I was losing and I'm sure that's how others feel. 

When it finally consumed me... I began to think, my mind wondered and I asked myself...

"If I wasn't here... would it benefit others?"

My answer was yes (obviously, the wrong answer)

In a comical and disturbing kind of way I thought it was one less mouth to feed and my siblings would get more Christmas presents (I'm a twisted person)

but

on a serious note. I was convinced that if I was no longer here, peoples lives would somehow improve. I felt as though I was an immensely negative force of nature that caused a hurricane of arguments and sadness for the people in my life. For me, I felt I had exhausted my usefulness and my existence was pointless, I had nothing to offer to the world. In this pit of despair that I had dug myself I began to contemplate... should I? or shouldn't I? 

Obviously... as I'm still typing you know what I picked but the point is the thought was there. It wasn't a thought that vanished, it orbited around my head and would make its presence known.

"hey, James... no one wants you here" 

"psst, I know you're on the toilet but I thought I'd remind you how much of a disappointment you are" thank you brain. 

People want to matter, I wanted to matter. When I felt like I no longer mattered to people and that my feelings were as insignificant as the dirt people walked on, I looked for a permanent solution. A one way ticket. 

Suicide is psychologically confusing and just sad. A person is reduced to feeling so low that the only thing that seems logical is for them to end it and no one can explain it. To summarize how serious this got for me, I practiced writing my note. I am comfortable with you guy's knowing that detail about me. It made me realize that I couldn't do it. Some of you are probably thinking that I'm a ridiculous coward who let normal things destroy me. But that's the way I felt about my existence and what made it worse was that I was aware that people on a global scale were going through worse things and here I was... struggling to cope. It still upsets me that I did not have the strength to deal with it. 

It's funny how one thought can put you're life on the line... how one idea can change everything. 

I was asked why I'm climbing a mountain. I was tempted to put "because it's there" but that's a load of shite. I signed up without thinking because I needed invigorating, some form of boost that could make me feel positive about myself and the world around me. Don't get me wrong... the depression, the thoughts, they're mostly gone. I'm worried they'll come back and hit me harder and I still feel like I'm somehow lost and trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do. I was told things and I did things that fabricated my very existence and caused me a lot of pain and now I'm trying to bounce back.

why am I climbing a mountain? because I want something to look back on that doesn't hurt. I'm tired of remembering the genuinely beautiful times and the things I did, the answers I got for asking to many questions... and I'd pay a large amount of money for certain aspects to be removed or changed. 

Depression comes for us all eventually (unless you're super lucky). I feel that the bravest of people are the ones that tackle it head on, sword and shield ready with an army of friends and family rallying behind them. So don't call me brave or strong. Save it for someone who deserves it.

Thank you so much for reading.

And please... support those that need it and this may be useful for those out there that have done what I've done. Don't ignore it. Fight it. Kick it in the balls

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Take care.

   

Demon In A Bottle

One of the most popular drinks in Cambodia is Tarantula Brandy. A drink that includes rice liquor and freshly dead tarantulas...

Delightful!

This blog post isn't meant to educate you on alcohol... I'm going to assume you are all intelligent enough to know the inns and outs and to be honest... I don't know that much about it. If you like having a few drinks, great! who doesn't? I believe there's nothing wrong with a few drinks every now and then. Unlike the News who are determined to scare us with random statistics but 1 in 3 people will believe those statistics... (see what I did there? no?... damn)

Anyway, I wanted to talk alcohol because its relevant. I actually named this blog post after a famous Iron Man story about Tony's alcohol addiction and the name itself just nicely summarized my thoughts on it. But to truly understand my stance we must travel back to when I was in school...

I avoided alcohol for years, it didn't interest me and I was happy with a can of coke or a nice cup of tea with some chocolate bourbons, its not much to ask for. I can't even give a good reason as to why I avoided it for so long, I didn't like the effects or some of the tastes and people actually took the piss... which is bizarre, right? go ahead, take the mick about how I look but does it really bother you that much that I prefer Pepsi (80p) to a pint of beer (£3). There was a lot of peer pressure around it.

Slowly as the years went on I changed and I would reward myself with a bottle of cider or whisky on a Saturday, nothing extreme nor harmful. I cared about my results in college and I felt the easiest way to get by was to just focus, so I spent a lot of time working and doing the things I enjoyed when I had time; Drinking wasn't on the list. 

I'm also not a partier, music isn't my thing and I prefer to talk to people without having to yell or hold them up. I was labelled the designated driver... probably the nicest nickname out of my long list. 

All of that didn't bother me and I felt I hadn't missed out on anything, so everything was fine and dandy as I sipped on my cup of tea. A cup of tea is extremely important in my life style, it wakes me up and its just delicious. Drink more tea people! it warms the heart.

I started to drink as I became more isolated during the summer. Now I don't know how much alcohol is considered bad or what defines an alcoholic as an alcoholic but I'm pretty sure I was an alcoholic. Why do I think this?
Well I drank 10 days in a row... I don't think that's normal or healthy.

I did the typical thing and spoke to my counselor about alcohol in one of my sessions... it took 40 minutes. It wasn't one of those "Hi, I'm James and I'm an alcoholic" things, it was just me and the counselor sat down in a room with a candle and a dying plant. I chose to speak about it because I was worried. 

Drinking became a necessity. If I wanted to try and enjoy myself I would drink, if I wanted to sleep I would drink and if I was mad or upset I would drink. This became a regular thing that I did on my own when I had the money, luckily I had quite a bit of money. So I spent and spent and spent, and drank and drank and drank. The only positive thing that came out of it was that it helped me sleep, cider makes me incredibly tired, so 2 or 3 bottles did the job (I'm a cider fan... and I'm also a lightweight... sorry)

Lets do some maths

10 days straight= 2 or 3 bottles per night

20-30 bottles in 10 days

A bottle of cider is usually 2 units I believe

The lowest amount of units in 10 days is 40 units (20 x 2 units) 

The highest amount of units in 10 days is 60 units (30 x 2 units)

The UK Chief Medical officer recommends 14 units per week... I went over by quite a lot so my counselor brought somebody in to have a chat with me.

It became obvious that alcohol was not helping (turns out I actually needed someone to clarify that)

People drink for different reasons, usually for fun but my reasons were simply:

I wanted to sleep (I loved sleeping)

I wanted to forget

The funny thing is, it felt like it was helping. I would eventually wake up at 1:00 in the afternoon, success! I slept. Someone has asked why no one stopped me... I kept it hidden incredibly well and I would drink at small gatherings and even family days out which I'm incredibly ashamed of. But on occasion people did tell me "no more". 

Anyway, we spoke, I tried to quit which was incredibly difficult when it becomes something you rely on. But I had to look at the bigger picture, I've done semi permanent damage to my hand because I was drunk, I've broken things, wasted money and fallen asleep on 4 different toilets. Then I remembered I got drunk at 4:00 in the afternoon and I had to stumble back home... that's embarrassing (not the walking home part... that's rather fun) 4:00? I had brought drinks for everyone and ended up having them all... sorry.

I eventually cut back on drinking at the end of September 2015. But then I decided that wasn't good enough so for 2 months (ish) I avoided alcohol until I had my Pub quiz where I got free alcohol... I'm not going to refuse free drinks! I was extremely proud that I avoided it over Christmas.

Why am I telling you all this? 

Because I'm both proud and disgusted. I'm happy I cut back but disgusted that I became reliant on a drink to enjoy the normal things in life like family days out and sleep. I wouldn't recommend a 10 day binge but by all means enjoy yourself, just remember why you are drinking and take care of yourself. Don't get addicted because it's expensive and harmful and don't do it the evening before a big exam... first hand experience, it's a terrible idea! It may seem like the best idea at the time but it's not.

For whatever reason, if you feel like alcohol has become an issue in your life, the best thing to do is seek help. Doing it on your own is possible but incredibly tricky but why would you when you have people to support you, I forgot about these people. Let them help.

Finding a replacement is always healthy, I got back into reading and chewing gum. The need for a drink slowly vanished. I don't want to lecture you, if you drink alcohol... you'll die! don't be ridiculous. I understand why people drink heavily and unlike the movies, drinking doesn't help you forget. Finding a hobby helped me a lot but if you do find that you still have the craving, here's a link that I hope will be useful:

http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/alcohol/Pages/Alcoholsupport.aspx

I just want to help. I don't want people I know or people I don't know to hurt themselves. There are people out there with worse cases and worse addictions that can no longer be controlled. If you can, help them.
I realized I've rambled on for some time, so I thought I would end on a fun note.
My drunken moments (I did this for fun but some of them were pretty serious)
1) Punching a lamppost or 2
2) Crying on toilets and kitchen floors
3) Sneezing and headbutting an oven
4) Claiming you can do a back flip in a pub (apparently you're not allowed to do that)
5) Being forced to drink water because I wasn't trusted to walk home in daylight
6) Being carried to bed (a moment where people did really care)
7) Hugging a bin
8) Trying to put a shoe on
9) Temporarily falling asleep on a bench at midnight
10) Trying to act sober when a policeman walks past you (I deserve an Oscar)
11) Calling family members whilst you stumble home... lost

Drinking can be fun but it really wasn't worth it for me. I was just trying to run from things. Enjoy it but just don't over do it... you have nothing to prove and no one to impress. If it becomes a problem, talk to someone before it intensifies.

Thanks for reading!

Give a little bit

Considering this is a blog about opening up and all that jazz, I thought I would start by saying... I was never a charitable person. I have done very few things for charity and I'm sure people out there have done bugger all, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some people like charities whereas other's don't. I know a few people have always been suspicious of where the money goes once its been donated.

Everyone has participated in school charity events, remember non-school uniform days? in school that was the best news you could receive (or that school is cancelled) and it only cost £1... £1 to wear clothes that I own, then you have the pleasure of watching everyone judge you for what you wear... it was a great day. But it raised a lot for charity. Now that I'm older I wish I contributed more, what is £1 going to do?
Then we had other things like cake sales, I never bought a cake because I didn't trust them. Talent shows were a big hit... If you had a talent, I did not... although I've always wanted to try stand up comedy. I remember one year I tried ventriloquism for the day and lasted 2 hours, my puppets name was Coconut and he was monkey from Hawkins Bazaar (£29.99).
I eventually did a leg wax to raise money for a nursery and came out with over £100, that felt good but I didn't enjoy the pain and I didn't like how people donated. The more hair you had on your leg... the more donations you got, these were cynical bastards, pure evil.

That's all I've done really. Never considered a marathon because of my asthma and never looked at anything potentially dangerous because I'm a fragile twig.
As I've explained my perspective on life has changed. I want to help others as much as I can. I don't really have a reason for it other than it makes me feel better, helping someone in anyway that I can makes me feel like I've achieved something good. In a way I think that charity work has given me a new purpose. Before Uni I was stuck in a pit full of my own despair and dismay (so poetic) and lots of DVD's (see previous post). I've climbed out and smelt the fresh air.
I'm not saying that I've never been a good person, I'd actually consider myself a lovely guy to a degree. I've always enjoyed helping people with work and things like that and I'll usually put everything on hold if it means I can help someone. It's just in previous months for quite a while I couldn't be bother with anyone, why did they deserve my help? why should I waste my time when I could be watching the season finale of Breaking Bad.

So why Kilimanjaro and why Meningitis?
The university selected Meningitis as we are heavily supported by the research foundation. I honestly didn't know what it was... all I knew was that I had to get a jab, that's it.
As I've continued doing my work I've learnt a lot more about it, turns out I know people who have had it which surprised me. Doing the street collections provided me with a greater understanding of the illness, people would talk to me about their experiences and some were difficult to listen to.

Going to Africa and climbing a mountain is something I never thought I'd do, sometimes I can't even be bothered to go upstairs and that's like... 14 steps. I did it because I needed it, I'm not saying that anyone who had depression or other issues should do something like that... its risky and because I didn't think I'm incredibly worried about it all. I needed to get away and do something that would make me feel good and preferably help others around me, raising just under £3000 should hopefully do the trick. I need to enjoy life and signing up was my first step.

I intend on doing a lot more for charity and for charities that I have a personal connection with.
Depression
Cancer
and M/S, that one would be great since I believe people need to know about this and more needs to be done to combat its effects because it sucks. Diseases are assholes.

For me, charitable work is helping me redeem myself. I feel like I let a lot of people down, made enemies and lost people. I spent a lot of time blaming others and shutting them out and I dread to think what people thought and said, its almost a paranoia. Doing this will not erase or mend things but its a decent step in what I consider the right direction.
People do charitable things for all different reasons, some have been wonderful to hear. I'm simply trying to find my place in the world where I can help. I grew tired of feeling useless, I missed making people happy and I missed being happy, and the things that made me happy no longer made me happy. Honestly... I'd give anything to go back to the way I was before all the walls caved in but all I can do now is focus on whats next, the beauty of it is that I don't really know whats next for me. I have ideas and plans but only one goal.
Help people.
If I continued the way I was, I don't think I would be around anymore, I have a second chance and I'm going to do something with it.

Thanks for reading :)