Anyway, I'm on about suicide caused by severe depression or other issues (I was going to say mental disorders but that doesn't sound right at all). When you're in school there can be rumors that float around about someone self harming, and it always baffled me. I enjoyed life and stayed positive through any difficult times and I was confused by the fact that I was being told that "so-and-so" was self harming or on the news someone had attempted (and sometimes succeeded) in taking their own life. I thought life was precious and it should be enjoyed and endured and I thought it was easy... how naive of me.
It's a very unfair view because I didn't understand the inns and outs of their situation, what drove them to make such decisions? and it's not exactly something you can just ask someone, it's an incredibly personal and sensitive topic that's horribly unique.
When I was young, very few things bothered me. I was alright at school... I was no Einstein but I knew how to spell my name and I could add up numbers and understand algebra (to an extent). I had friends, bullying didn't bother me much because I was extremely condescending however it did get me into a few scraps and unfortunately... I'm no Liam Neeson. I'd like to hope school was good for everyone but I understand that the outside realm can force itself in. I was easily upset when I knew my mums condition worsened, it struck a nerve. I'm not as tough as nails... I'm more like play dough (god, I miss play dough) so sometimes that made school hard.
So with all this, I found it hard to comprehend why people drank, self harmed or just pulled the plug completely. I was young, the world was new and so complex. What drove me was that I had this thought that if I was good and nice... life would be a breeze. Apparently I didn't get the memo that said "life is shit sometimes, get use to it bitch" or the one that said "bowl-cuts weren't in fashion anymore".
I'm a slow learner.
I never understood the science behind feelings. Depression is just a chemical reaction in the brain that can effect anyone and can be caused by almost anything. I suppose the "suicidal tendencies" come from the state of mind of the subject themselves.
I found that depression worsens the longer you leave it, the longer you just sit by and watch it corrupt you... the quicker it will consume you. I sat in my room and slowly the world became a hateful place, there were so many things to dislike... happiness was one of them, Jesus! I loathed anyone that walked past with a smile, it made me angry that I struggled to enjoy anything. It was me against the world and I was losing and I'm sure that's how others feel.
When it finally consumed me... I began to think, my mind wondered and I asked myself...
"If I wasn't here... would it benefit others?"
My answer was yes (obviously, the wrong answer)
In a comical and disturbing kind of way I thought it was one less mouth to feed and my siblings would get more Christmas presents (I'm a twisted person)
but
on a serious note. I was convinced that if I was no longer here, peoples lives would somehow improve. I felt as though I was an immensely negative force of nature that caused a hurricane of arguments and sadness for the people in my life. For me, I felt I had exhausted my usefulness and my existence was pointless, I had nothing to offer to the world. In this pit of despair that I had dug myself I began to contemplate... should I? or shouldn't I?
Obviously... as I'm still typing you know what I picked but the point is the thought was there. It wasn't a thought that vanished, it orbited around my head and would make its presence known.
"hey, James... no one wants you here"
"psst, I know you're on the toilet but I thought I'd remind you how much of a disappointment you are" thank you brain.
People want to matter, I wanted to matter. When I felt like I no longer mattered to people and that my feelings were as insignificant as the dirt people walked on, I looked for a permanent solution. A one way ticket.
Suicide is psychologically confusing and just sad. A person is reduced to feeling so low that the only thing that seems logical is for them to end it and no one can explain it. To summarize how serious this got for me, I practiced writing my note. I am comfortable with you guy's knowing that detail about me. It made me realize that I couldn't do it. Some of you are probably thinking that I'm a ridiculous coward who let normal things destroy me. But that's the way I felt about my existence and what made it worse was that I was aware that people on a global scale were going through worse things and here I was... struggling to cope. It still upsets me that I did not have the strength to deal with it.
It's funny how one thought can put you're life on the line... how one idea can change everything.
I was asked why I'm climbing a mountain. I was tempted to put "because it's there" but that's a load of shite. I signed up without thinking because I needed invigorating, some form of boost that could make me feel positive about myself and the world around me. Don't get me wrong... the depression, the thoughts, they're mostly gone. I'm worried they'll come back and hit me harder and I still feel like I'm somehow lost and trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do. I was told things and I did things that fabricated my very existence and caused me a lot of pain and now I'm trying to bounce back.
why am I climbing a mountain? because I want something to look back on that doesn't hurt. I'm tired of remembering the genuinely beautiful times and the things I did, the answers I got for asking to many questions... and I'd pay a large amount of money for certain aspects to be removed or changed.
Depression comes for us all eventually (unless you're super lucky). I feel that the bravest of people are the ones that tackle it head on, sword and shield ready with an army of friends and family rallying behind them. So don't call me brave or strong. Save it for someone who deserves it.
Thank you so much for reading.
And please... support those that need it and this may be useful for those out there that have done what I've done. Don't ignore it. Fight it. Kick it in the balls
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Suicide/Pages/Introduction.aspx
Take care.
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